S3E3 - Turning up as yourself
Show Notes:
In this episode we talk about Integration vs Impersonation, and how to not to screw up starting a new job!
Have you ever felt that you had to change to fit in with your new coworkers, or boss? Or ever gotten up a 6am on a weekend to play golf or go hiking in order to impress, or blend in with, your peers? If so, this episode is for you!
Show Script:
Today we’re going to talk about Integration vs Impersonation, and how to make the most of starting a new job.
It’s a tale as old as time folks. You start a new job, and when you’re getting onboarded you start meeting your new coworkers, understanding the projects, and generally getting a sense for where the good snacks are, how things get done and who does them.
And as you learn more, you realise that your coworkers are impressive. Maybe even personally you think they’re quite cool. You want to hang out, get to know them better, have lunch, maybe even go to company social events or whatever.
Management or Exec team seem friendly. You think you’d like to impress them, or get on their good side, because you hear there’s a lot of good things coming down the line. You can see success from “getting-in” with these folks.
So you go down the rabbit hole of trying to carve out your place on the team, and being seen as ‘one of the gang’. Workwise you’re showing your value, and socially - you integrate. Hard.
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Now as humans, we are social creatures. We work best in tribes, and fitting-in is important. Teamwork makes the dream work, after all! However, I see a lot of people, especially immigrants, trying too hard. And as an immigrant myself, I’m actually acutely aware of this. Nobody wants to be seen as an outsider. So what happens is you feign an interest in coworkers or superiors' hobbies or interests. How many middle managers play golf, right?
A lot of immigrants leave their culture behind. They downplay their foreign origins or traditions, as they see their otherness as an impediment to social cohesion with the group.
It goes even deeper though. They try the same food places. They try to join the same clubs. Practice the same sports, or support the same sports teams. They dress in a similar way. Shop the same stores. Try their best to give the impression that they as a jigsaw piece are perfectly cut to fit exactly into their coworkers or managers puzzlingly great life.
Some folks do this deliberately. There are planned steps that they take, all part of a strategy they’ve thought out.
Others don’t even realise the changes they are making. They’re swept up in the fervor of trying to blend in.
Out of the 2; I’m not entirely sure which is worse!
When one goes beyond integration, they arrive at impersonation. They become imposters. It's an advanced form of social mimicry. As an imposter, one is not acting as an independent person with their own agency. They become caricatures; they are flat, 2-dimensional parodies of real people. They copy others actions, attitudes, mannerisms and ways. It’s putting up a personality façade.
Funnily enough, we humans are born with great bullshit detectors. Even though at a conscious level it’s not obvious, there is a subconscious element to impostors that people will pick up on. We do not trust people who are not genuine and authentic. We just don’t! So we follow our gut when we come across people who aren’t coming from a good place, so we avoid, evade, ignore or push back. So in the end, what happens is that the over-extended efforts to fit-in then have the opposite effect, dramatically!
Imposters are naturally excluded. They’re not invited to meetings, lunches or events. If they do manage to blag their way in, their presence is tolerated, not sought. They are passed over for opportunities. It’s not because they don’t fit with the gang, as we mentioned before. They might have become someone or something that on paper has a place there. However, they don’t mesh with the tribe in a real, bona fide way.
Even if you notice the change at work, you may not notice the change at home. How many husbands, wives, life partners, kids, family or friends see their loved ones dramatically change when they join a new job or meet a new group of people? That can spill into your personal life in a very negative way. You might enjoy what you’re becoming, but what about everyone around you?
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The solution to this problem is actually quite simple. The very secret to integration in the workplace, is to be yourself. I can hear you physically rolling your eyes, but bear with me here! When I say “be yourself”, what I mean is that you shouldn’t hide who or what you are. When you bring your true, authentic self to the office, that stands to you. It is a benefit, and a gift. It means you are a 3-dimensional character. Like all humans, you may not be perfect, but a genuine, friendly face is always perfect for a good team!
Don’t hide your passions! If you like board games, painting miniatures, writing poetry, playing video games, painting still-life,or planting microgreens - be that person! Not everyone needs to play golf, be into craft beers or pretend that they like hiking. If you’re into those things, good for you! I’m very happy for you. What I’m getting at though: if you’re not into those things, you don’t have to be because someone else is.
Don’t throw away your culture; celebrate those days and traditions. Get your coworkers involved; teach those who are willing to learn about your roots, food and ways. They’ll teach you about yours! Who can say no to learning about new tasty treats?!
What happens then is that the group will accept you for who you are; not for trying to be who they are. And with that, your presence and expertise will be sought after. People will want to join in with your interests and activities - not just allow you to join theirs! You will be trusted. That’ll give you opportunities to grow, to learn, to advance. That’s why you moved to the new job in the first place right? To take advantage of those opportunities.
Being you is your secret sauce. It's the one thing no one else can truly provide or replace. Be proud of yourself and your interests!
Own it, because that’s what will help you forge real connections that will help you succeed.
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Folks, we have been Speaking Software. Catch you next time!